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The "You're It" Syndrome: How Online Approval-Seeking Behavior Keeps Creeping Back Into Our Lives—And How to Break Free!

• Dominika Legrand

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Have you ever caught yourself obsessing over one specific person's approval? Maybe checking if they viewed your story, hoping they'd like your post, or filtering your words around them? You're not alone.

Freedom begins when we recognize the insidious pattern I call "You Are It Tag" - a psychological game where we unconsciously designate one person as the ultimate judge of our worth. We filter ourselves, contort our identities, and make decisions based on what we imagine would win their approval. The most ridiculous part? They typically have no idea we're playing this game, nor do they care nearly as much as we think they do.

This approval-seeking behavior creates a toxic cycle of self-doubt, as we constantly shift our behaviors to match what we believe will gain validation. Whether it's a romantic interest, boss, or industry leader, placing our entire self-concept on one person's approval is both limiting and unsustainable. The tag may jump from person to person throughout our lives, but the pattern remains the same - we surrender our authenticity for external validation.

Breaking free requires three key steps: becoming aware of who currently holds your "tag," addressing approval-seeking patterns through techniques like tapping therapy, and catching yourself in the act of seeking validation. The goal isn't perfection but progress toward self-approval - that beautiful moment when you can genuinely say, "I think this is good" without needing anyone else's confirmation.

Ready to stop playing the approval game? This episode offers practical guidance for reclaiming your freedom and rediscovering what you truly want to say, do, and be - without filtering yourself through someone else's imagined expectations. Your freedom awaits on the other side of self-approval.

Get a FREE Copy of the High Converting Online Events Book: https://book.dominikalegrand.com/

Speaker 1:

Today I want to talk about the phenomenon that I like to call you are it tag. You are it. And how approval-seeking behavior keeps creeping back to our lives and how to break free I'm not sure if I'm the only one who has experienced it in their professional or even romantic relationships this constant approval-seeking behavior from one person, whether it's someone that you look up to in professional setting, whether it's a boy that you liked and you wished that he would give you that attention that you need. In both of those areas, I like to call this your it, it your. It has been something that I have always been struggling with, because I've always put this tag on one person that I was subconsciously, somewhat consciously, looking their approval of, and I remember thinking about this person's opinion highly over anyone else's, and I many times didn't even know what that opinion was. I just imagined what that would be. Either it's something critical, either it's something like mocking, or either it's actual approval. Either it's like looking into signs that I am getting the approval from that one person and many times, like I said, we don't know if that one person is really approving of us, but if we are doing the tag you're it and subconsciously start seeking that person's approval. What ends up happening is that we start filtering ourselves, we start morphing ourselves a little bit just so that we can get the imaginary approval of that imaginary person who actually doesn't even care about you that much and nor know, maybe know that you are playing the tag you're it game. We are starting to filter ourselves, we are starting to okay, maybe this person wouldn't want to see this. Maybe especially in professional environments when we are posting to. Okay, maybe this person wouldn't want to see this. Maybe especially in professional environments when we are posting, like business stuff, right, like, oh, maybe that person would think that I'm stupid that I share this. Or maybe that person would mock me if I posted this piece of content or video. Or maybe this person would think you know, I guess I don't like this person anymore, I don't like you, and that the thing.

Speaker 1:

The fear is that in their disapproval it's rejection, it's you messed up, you said something wrong, you did something wrong, you posted something wrong, and then suddenly it's the relationship, the approval is almost like you failed, they disapprove, you failed and this imaginary game of you're it, whether you're playing it in your romantic or business relationships, it's a very toxic cycle. In my life I've noticed this as like a walking pattern, as as the tag you're. It almost like it's jumping from one person to another, but it's always on one person. Don't we all have like that one person that we always check if they are checking our stories? Like, don't we all want, have that one person that we wished, that liked our post or photo? Like even girls, like, let's be honest, here we all have that, but that type of one tag that kept jumping from one person to another, to another, and it became the cycle of now that's this person that I'm looking approval of. So that that person is it like, almost like, somehow, when they approve of you, it's almost like you are winning, that you won the game of approval and somehow then you can be happy and joyful and free and and you've done it there is this feeling of oh, I managed, here, we go right. It only lasts till, like, the next thing that you do, your next action that you take, and it suddenly is this game of oh wait, what if I'm saying something that this person wouldn't approve of? What if I'm losing that approval? It's almost like a switch, like now, I had it yesterday, but it's over today. What if that's going to be a guess, that's going to be the case. And it's such a toxic cycle of filtering, morphing, thinking that you know you're it. You know I need to be better for you, I need to try better for you, I need to try better for you. And it's again. The person is like A they don't know about it. B they don't care about it. C it's in your head 1000% of the times.

Speaker 1:

Now put this. Let's imagine this. Let's imagine that your entire confidence, your entire self-confidence, your entire self-concept is based on one person's approval. Like, let's just be fucking real and think that's the case. Like, imagine, like that's going to determine that one person, whether you are in business or in romantic relationships. Like, are you going to base what that person is thinking of you or whether they are approving of you? Are you going to base your entire fucking self-esteem and self-confidence and self-concept of worthiness of being on one person? Like I want you to think about how ridiculous that really sounds, because it's silly. It's silly Even if the person knows that they are it. They are the tag, they have the tag for the moment Because, again, it's walking, it's wandering, it's going somewhere else. It's always on someone else.

Speaker 1:

It's such an insidious thing that we do and I don't want to go into why we do it because, honestly, why, why do we do it? Why do we do it? Why are we putting the it you are it and seeking approval from people, from that one person again, it's always someone else, but we kind of want it so that we have, so that we feel happy, and then we don't have it. We're like, oh my god, I need to get it, I need to filter myself, I need to contort myself, I need to be, become this other thing, I need to have this thing so that I can get the approval I need to achieve this goal. I need to be making this much money, I need to be, um, this tall, this skinny, this big, this, you know, whatever.

Speaker 1:

That is the game of like, the ridiculousness of like, because you make up the conditions in your own mind and you put that tag onto that person, that one person. Both of them are ridiculous. You're putting the tag on a person they don't even know they have it, or you're basing your entire self-identity and how you express yourself and how you show up on that one person Tag you are it gang. I think originates from getting your father's approval, parents approval. It's an internalized critical parent that did not accept you for who you were, unconditionally, that critical thing that you inbuilt now into yourself and be thinking, okay, how can I do better? And there's nothing wrong with wanting to do better.

Speaker 1:

Toxicity comes from you putting that on one person and the toxicity comes from you seeking that approval over and over again and the and the toxicity comes from you contorting yourself to kind of get the approval. That's where toxicity comes from, because if you say you know what, I want to get better, I want to learn, I want to grow for myself, because that's the only one person I'm competing Myself. Really, it is the only one person that I'm competing against and no one else. Really, it's just me. It's just me myself and I and me wanting to be better today and tomorrow and grow and take the lessons and grow some more. And it's not for anyone else, it's just for myself, because I love to grow, I like to, you know, develop myself. It's not for that one person.

Speaker 1:

That's where the solution is, because you know what, if you manage to get to just getting your own approval for yourself and move through life without putting it on someone else. It's almost like you internalize your inner approval system, be like you know what Fuck what everyone else is thinking. I'm just going to do what I want to do and I will say what I want to say and look how I want to look and you know what. If you like it, you like it, you don't, you don't. That's okay. That is what we need to come back to, because as long as we seek those approvals, we are not free. So freedom comes from self-approval. It's like you know what? I think it's fine, it's cute. That thing that you just wrote I, that was so cute. I go, go back, I look into the things and how far you came and what you've done and how you're carrying yourself. You are just so cute. Like that is the self approval. That is like you're fine, you're good, let's keep going. Let's keep going. Let's just. It was just fun. Maybe it was stupid to post it. Whatever. You were a teenager, move on. You know like you had hormones, like whatever it's cute a teenager, move on. You know like you had hormones, like whatever it's cute, let's move on.

Speaker 1:

So the first step would be is to forgive yourself for doing this and become aware you're one person the it. Who is it? Who is it for you? Where is it? Who is it? Tell me the name, become aware of them, that you are doing it for the one person that your, your actions are driven for, that one person's approval that may not driven for that one person's approval that may not even know that you want their approval. That's the first step of recovery.

Speaker 1:

Second is go to tapping. Go go on the tap with bread and look for like approval seeking behavior and like finding freedom, and go through that tapping exercise. That will really help you to really understand that you're never free as long as you're seeking the one person's approval. So go through that and find the freedom. I'm like you know what. I just want to be free. I just want to be free. I just want to live my life in a way that is good to me. Yeah, because my standards are pretty high. I don't know about you. My standards are pretty high for myself already. Know about you. My standards are pretty high for myself already. So I don't need anyone else's standards imaginary to be like pushing me forward. It's internalized in a good way. So that would be my second suggestion.

Speaker 1:

And then third is to catch yourself, because it's a slippery slope, you know. Catch yourself putting the tag either it's on a romantic partner, a romantic person, like someone you you have romantic interest and or in business. Catch yourself like whose attentions am I looking for? Whose approval I'm looking for? Catch yourself and when you're posting and thinking you know what this person would really love, what I'm doing here, like this one person in in my head, like I would really want them to like think this is good. I want that heart emoji, I want that comment, like whatever, I want them to see the story that I'm putting out, like whatever.

Speaker 1:

Catch yourself and when you notice that you are doing like, am I doing this for myself? Am I doing this for someone else? Someone else's approval very important. Catch yourself and and stir the ship back like you know what, not today. I'm not going to filter myself, not today. Let's just keep going self-approved.

Speaker 1:

You know, and that's the goal, like, freeing yourself, catching yourself, doing it and course correcting. Again back to you know what it's my life. I'm not going to place value on getting the approval of someone else that I don't even know. I mean, some of us like find those persons, like those big names in our industries and seek their approval. You know that's such an insidious game, so catch yourself doing it and start the ship back. And you know what is this real freedom? If I'm seeking their approval, am I really free? What would I be saying? What would I be doing if I don't care about this approval or getting this person's approval? If this person was dead, what would I be doing? What would I be saying? Let's imagine they die. They died, no one is there to be. You know, again, we might just put it on someone else, but let's imagine there is a zombie apocalypse and there's no one left, just you and you do things for yourself, not to get someone's approval.

Speaker 1:

I hope this was helpful. I know this is a different type of episode, but I I felt like I needed to say it. If you have a friend, if you have a tendency to do this to yourself, I invite you to be mindful. If you have a friend who you know that they keep doing this and, frankly, they look ridiculous because they are doing this over and over, send this episode to them. Honestly. They'd be like hey, you know what? Remember when you're posting for that one person. Yeah, it's not a cute girl, it's a bad look. Send this episode to them. I hope this was helpful. Thanks so much for watching, listening and I'll see you guys very soon.